Our Everyday Moments

Silent Nights

Cathy / September 28, 2016

Taking care of a newborn is not easy. My hormones seem to ebb and flow as they hear this understatement. All these memes and articles about newborncare seem to be only a scratch to the surface, tip of the iceberg, or a mere glimpse to the reality. Nothing could have completely prepared me for the journey, not even the gazillion articles, checklists, or advices during my pregnancy or even before that.

I clearly remember the day my husband and i brought home our beautiful bundle of joy. After all the birthing events, staying in the hospital for three days, well wishes of the nurses, the taxi driver helping us carry our things, there we were, inside our bedroom complete with this crib, diapers, and all essentials, and then I realized we were on our own now. The house seemed so silent, so strange, so different. It was a day like no other. It was the day when it all began and we realized we didn’t exactly know what to do!

With my caesarean cut still painful, there seems to be no time to feel the pain anymore. Every time the baby cries, either my husband or i have to “troubleshoot” her cries. Sometimes, I would walk so slowly to reach her crib and pick her up. However, one time the cut became troublesome that i can only look at my baby crying while waiting for my husband to get someting. Oh how my heart breaks that i could not do anything.

The first few weeks have been the hardest. The day and night seemed all blurry since it was all about sleep, feed, sleep, feed.. and the sleep thing did not include us because we became zombies out of lack of sleep. I never could have imagined in my entire life that i would try to make a baby sleep from midnight until the wee hours of the morning, and yet she just wont sleep. Every time i can make the baby sleep, i would feel like the champest of the champions saying hey that was easy. However, when i could not make her sleep, the feeling of failing would swallow me whole. Oh the rollercoaster of emotions.

Though it was the hardest moments of my life, it was also my happiest. It was hard because newborn care aint walk in the park at all. I could count all the things wherein i struggled, wherein my blood, sweat, and tears collide, wherein depression reared its ugly head again. But i can also count those perfect moments i have been blessed to experience during those first few weeks. How humbling it is to experience God’s miracle. I can only look at my daughter’s eyes and sigh, yes amen!

One of my most favorite moments are the silent nights. Everyone is sleeping. The house is dim lit. The street outside the window is silent. And i am sitting on the bed and holding on my arms my sleeping baby, so peaceful, helpless, beautiful, tired, charming, oh so innocent. I could stay in the moment watching her breath, admiring her little hands, contemplating on how dependent and helpless little babies are.

Yes it aint easy, and thankfully that it has passed. My husband and i would talk about it now and we always conclude in our conversation that it was not easy. Well now, ten months down the line, things have gotten better and always, always, another unique challenges are presenting themselves in each milestone. But you become stronger day by day, and wiser too, i assume, to understand that love is nothing without sacrifice. If it were easy, it would not be worth anything.

‘If i could make the world a safer place, i would for you darling. Every time you cry, it strucks deep to my heart wanting to ease whatever pain or discomfort you feel. This is our moment. No one else’s. It is ours. You are mine. And i am yours forever. You had me when i first saw your heartbeat during an ultrasound check nine months ago, now you completely own me. You have all of me, my heart, my flesh, my blood. You are a continuation of my being, a beat outside my heart, a breathe that resonates to my core. You came from me, you were inside me. And though you are now outside my body, you will always be in my heart, mind, and soul. This is our moment and i will keep it, tell you about it when you grow older. For now, i will keep them in my thoughts, safe and sound, just as you are tonight.’

Silent nights
I love you so much my Lil One!

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