Motherhood, Our Everyday Moments

Letter to my one-year-old

Cathy / November 8, 2016

I’m scared. I’m anxious. I’m worried. Because I am a mom.

I’m euphoric. I’m sober. I’m delighted. Because I am a mom.

I’m stumbling. I’m frail. I’m impatient. And I’m sorry.

But for you little darling, I will be strong, fierce, and enthusiastic. Because I am your mom.

I hope to scratch out every fibre of my imperfections and weaknesses so that underneath them all, you will see only a clear view of the purest love I have for you. So many times I felt the huge wave of responsibility on my shoulders and said, ‘I can’t do this!’ And my heart broke a little. I dropped a tear or two. I asked the Lord for more more strength and patience. Then I saw your eyes, searching for me, wanting me, needing me. Your innocent trust and bubbly eyes make everything easy, darling.

You are growing up so fast, my love. If only I could map out your life, protect you from any thorns and thistles that would prick you, and give you only a straight path to your success and happiness, I would for you my little bird. But you will eventually have your own wings. You will want to learn how to soar by yourself. You will want to feel the rush of independence and self-identity. And my heart would break a little. I think I would drop a tear or two. Then it would feel cold. All I could do is whisper to the air, ‘I hope I’ve raised you well. Carry a prayer on your pocket, my forever baby, and my love wherever you go.’

Until then, I will stare at your innocence and helplessness while you are sleeping now. After a few minutes, you will wake up, cry looking for me, scream ‘mamam’ at the top of your lungs. And my tired body will cringe, while my heart will succumb to this very familiar tinge of raw, profound, unconditional, and consummating emotion that is love. And I will hastingly carry you, defeating my resolutions of teaching you discipline and patience. And my heart will break a little. And I will drop a tear or two. Then it will feel warm. And I will whisper on your little ears, ‘How I wish we stay this way always, my baby.’

Thank you, my child, for making me proud every single day with your smile, cute babbles, stubborn attempts to walk, and everything that you are. Even the littlest eyelash that hangs on your eyes sends me to my threshold of gratitude and being proud. As you grow up, always remember that not worldly allures and achievements constitute true success and happiness in life. Love God with all your mind, heart, and soul, and you will be just fine, even better.

Oh how I thank God for you. Oh how I pray to Him and His Mother to grant my silent daily prayer that I become a good mother too. That I will be gentle, patient, kind. That I will be the one who, now and in the days to come, will hastingly run and catch you each time you fall, although defeating my resolutions of teaching you independence and self-sufficiency.

How a year flew by, yet how the days can be a drag, I admit. It seems only yesterday when I first saw your delicate flesh and the face so small and all i could say was how pretty you were. And my heart broke a little. And I dropped a tear or two. And it felt home. I whispered to myself, ‘My heart has found a home.’

I love you so much my Lil One. Happy first birthday!

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